Normalize No: How to say, “No” to the People You Love

Scenario

Kelly: Hey a couple of us are getting together Saturday just to hang out at the riverfront.

Sasha: (totally in need of a break and wants to do nothing so has no interest in going) Uhhh…I don’t know if I will be able to make it. I will have to check with my husband. What time are you guys planning to meetup? I will let you know

Saturday arrives…

Kelly: (sends text) Hey, you coming? Meeting at 4.

Sasha: No…I have some stuff around the house that I really need to get done, but next time.

Now we all know, Sasha had zero plans of ever linking up with her friends. The problem is, she couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate that she didn’t want to come, without hurting Kelly’s feelings. She led her friend to believe she was interested, but that she just needed to check with her husband. When the day came, she then responded with some lame reason about needing to do housework.

We have likely all been in this situation where we wanted to simply say no, for whatever reason, but instead, we danced around it.

The Power in Being Honest

We have got to allow room for honesty in our relationships and friendships without always being so easily offended or thinking the worst of people. In this scenario, Sasha likely brought some undue stress upon herself when she chose to lead her friend on and make up a white lie, rather than be honest from the beginning. If Sasha really needed a mental break, this was for sure counterproductive.

In being honest, Sasha could have felt the power in advocating for herself and letting her friend know the real deal. True, caring friends would absolutely support another friend who needs a mental break.

Sasha should have been able to initially tell Kelly that she could not make the meet up because she just needed a break for herself. Kelly should have been able to accept that response and not have any negative feelings about it or even pressure Sasha to come.

I personally would prefer someone being honest with me rather than feeding me white lies to appease me. In any relationship, being honest builds trust. You should be able to trust that your friends and loved ones are being honest, because they value you and you value them.

If we give the people in our lives the space to be honest then we can avoid that whole “boy who cried wolf” situation. You and your friends will grow to know that there is no underlying mess or message, whether you say yes or no.

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Lowering Your Expectations of Others

As humans we are wired to have high expectations for our friends and loved ones. We feel entitled to having our friends meet those expectations and we deem that person a “bad friend” if they miss the mark. Yes, there is such a thing as a bad friend, partner, family member, etc. However, we must stop putting people in that category just because they say occasionally say no to us.

Just so we are clear, if you have someone in your life who always says no to every reasonable request or invite, then you are 100% right to question that relationship. I mean how are we friends if you never want to hang out or if you are never there for me? Let the record show, I am not talking about those people.

When I say we need to lower our expectations of others, I am in no way suggesting that we all need to sign up for sub-par friendships or relationships and just accept that as life. Girl, that is nonsense!

What I am suggesting is that we need to give space and grace for our friends and loved ones to sometimes be unavailable or uninterested. I admit, it was tough even typing that. Don’t we all want our friends and loved ones to be there when we want them there and interested when we present something to them? That is a normal desire.

However, what is not yet normal and accepted is the idea that sometimes even our very best friends and loved ones will just not be available or interested. So, we have got to make the effort to understand this and not make it a negative thing.

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What is a Bad Friend?

Your mom is not a bad person because she can’t watch the kids this one time. Your husband is not a bad husband because he doesn’t want to do a double date this weekend. Your bestie is not a bad friend because she can’t make it to your daughter’s bday party.

These situations might make you upset, but it should not ruin a relationship. You can process your feelings, without making your loved one out to be the “bad guy”, simply because they sometimes say no.

The truth is, we never know how many times a loved one was there for us when they were really struggling, had to cancel other plans, or were completely exhausted. You have probably done the same. Sometimes it is the innate response when you care about someone. Afterall, sacrifices can be a huge part of any relationship. The problem is we often expect our friends to sacrifice all the time, as a requirement to maintaining the relationship. It shouldn’t be this way.

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How to Say No

So exactly how do you say no, and not hurt their feelings? This is a two-part answer. One part is out of your control. The other person is responsible for managing their emotions and choosing to be understanding when you say no. You may need to have a conversation with them about this, if you have seen a pattern of negativity after you occasionally say no.

The other part is within your control and starts with being honest. Remember, there is power in being honest. If you always lead with honesty, your loved ones will know you consistently mean well and value them.

Overall, think of how you would want to be treated and extend that same kindness to your friend. Sometimes the answer is no because you have other plans. Sometimes the answer is no because you don’t have the money. Sometimes the answer is no because you were just there, or you aren’t in the vicinity, or you dont have time, or you are tired, or you haven’t showered, or you don’t really care for someone else on the invite list, or you're just not interested. These are all real reasons to say no (and others not mentioned) and can be communicated with honesty and care.

Also ask yourself, should I do this over text or on the phone? This is important because we all know how tone can be misinterpreted over text. If you are saying no to a pretty important request or event in your loved one’s life, I would suggest making a call just to connect.

Another thing to consider is saying “no, but”, when possible. Maybe you really do need a break and can help them on Friday, instead of Tuesday. Maybe the other cousin they invited compromises your peace, so you ask to schedule another dinner without that person. Just know, it is absolutely possible to simultaneously express care and say no.

It is also important to note that you should not be required to spell out your entire schedule or offer a dissertation as to why you aren’t available, in order to have an “excused” no. Both you and your friends or loved ones should make the adjustment to start accepting a simple no. Afterall, “No” is a complete sentence. We often offer up more than just “no” out of the kindness of our hearts, but it shouldn’t be a requirement, because it typically forces people to start embellishing just to make their no seem more valid.

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

Some of you may be thinking, “this sounds so mean”. You are right it does, because it is not what we are used to. But think back to the most recent time you really wanted to say no, but didn’t. How did it make you feel? Did you feel forced to say yes? Did you only say yes, so they wouldn’t talk about you? Did saying yes to that ask or invite bring about stress?

Imagine if we all had relationships and friendships where we felt completely comfortable to be honest, even in situations where we have to say no. I think there would be a lot less stress in our relationships and quality relationships wouldn’t be ended over frivolous nonsense. We all owe it to ourselves to be more understanding and gracious.

Comment below if you think we could all use this message to normalize no. Or comment if you disagree.

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